How to Deal With A Child Who Lies

My friend just passed on an email they where given which I will try to answer.

Question: I remember reading a while ago about reasons why children may tell lies, and how to deal with it. For example, not to ask a question that gives them a chance to lie. don’t ask did you do ‘A’ but rather why did you do ‘A’. Do you know if there is a book or articles about how to deal with lying? It seems my nephew, 8 years old, hit another child, but denied doing it when asked, I don’t know what to tell my sister, she doesn’t even know what to deal with first the lying or the hitting. This is not the first time, so any help is appreciated.

Answer:

I remember reading a while ago about reasons why children may tell lies, and how to deal with it. For example, not to ask a question that gives them a chance to lie. don’t ask did you do ‘A’ but rather why did you do ‘A’.

Or don’t ask questions at all. Many kids aren’t really able to articulate why they did something – or they see the reason as something else. If you say to 8yo, “why did you hit your brother?”, you’re more likely to get “because he’s a pain in the butt” as the reason than “well, I was up kinda late last night so I’m not really coping well today, plus I’m worried about next door’s dog being ill and I guess hearing my brother making those noises with his mouth was just the thing that pushed me over the edge”

It seems my nephew, 8 years old, hit another child, but denied doing it when asked,

So do you know for sure that he did hit the other child? If not, don’t accuse him – it will destroy the trust between you (or your sister) and the child and probably encourage him to lie.

But you can state facts: “Mary is crying and upset.”

…and in the case of an eight-year-old, you can ask for suggestions: “What do you think we can do to help?”

If you *do* know for sure that he hit her, you can deal with that separately: “Hitting someone is not an acceptable response. You and I both know there are better ways to deal with your frustration. I’d like you to make a plan for what you’re going to do next time you feel like hitting someone.” – and help make the plan.

There’s no point in demanding confessions, which is what we’re really doing when we say “Did you hit Mary?” It puts the child in an impossible position: either he says he did, and gets in trouble for that, or he denies it, and possibly gets in trouble for lying.
Definite trouble for hitting vs not-definite trouble for telling lies…hm, well, you can see what’s likely to happen!

And if he didn’t hit Mary, well, it’s even worse! He did nothing wrong and he’s *still* got a chance of getting in trouble!

So state what you know and what needs to be done. Give the child the opportunity to put things right without the huge pressure to admit to wrong-doing. And then help the child find ways to avoid the situation recurring.

Does that help?